Euphoria

That word, what does it mean to you? According to the dictionary, it is defined as this:

eu•pho•ri•a

noun

a feeling or state of intense excitement and happiness:
the euphoria of success will fuel your desire to continue training

ORIGIN late 17th century (denoting well-being produced in a sick person by the use of drugs): modern Latin, from Greek, from euphoros 'borne well, healthy,' from eu 'well' + pherein 'to bear.'

Yup, that's it in a nutshell.

This past week, I felt exactly that way. I was on top of the world! Nothing could go wrong. It was the best feeling I've had in several months. 

But then it changed. All of a sudden, it felt like my world came tumbling down—not literally of course, but my mood just plummeted. What was going on with me? How could I go from being way up on the charts, to way down on the charts? For those of you who are suffering from Bipolar Disorder will know that this is consistent with the disease. But at the time that it's happening, you really don't look at it that way. You continually ask yourself this common question—why? Why is this happening to me—again!

This is how I felt:

acrylic on canvas 2008 • untitled • artist – me

Even though this is an abstract painting that I painted several years ago, it's still how I felt that day and that night. Which unfortunately, continued into yesterday. An abstract of someone—a display of 'funkiness' running through my mind. Today? I feel a lot better, but again, as the day progresses, only time will tell.

Now we all know that there's a chemical in your brain that produces how we feel, how we think, and how we react. Please don't ask me what this is called, but at this point, does it really matter? We know it's there, and we now know why, so in my eyes, if it's happening, it's real.

A few nights ago, after spending the entire day feeling euphoric, all of a sudden I was in a depressed mood. So depressed, that I started crying—crying for no apparent reason whatsoever. I couldn't understand it. How could I feel so invigorated throughout the day, only to cry for no reason? As I was crying, I immediately went into our bedroom and woke my husband up from a deep sleep. I asked him to assist me during my time of need. Thankfully, he was there as usual, helping me cope. 

Thank goodness he was there to help me because in my head, I kept thinking what is wrong with me and why am I feeling this way. Even to him, with what I have been going through these past several months, was kind of difficult for him to comprehend. Do I blame him? Of course not. But as we were talking it out, he understood and realized he needed to be there and talk me down. I've come to the point where 'talking me down' is something that he must do. 

And thankfully, it always works. Even during my most agitated state, it works.

As I continue with my medication, I am persisting through this disease on a daily basis. 

Bipolar Gal on Twitter

Blocked?.....No Pun Intended

Here we go again, frustration with my so-called new art project is so far failing me. You know the project I wanted to work on with Legos? Ya, not as easy as I thought or had hoped. What is wrong with me? Here I was diving in after over 2 years of having zero desire to work on my art or graphic design, to having inspiration and complete excitement only to end up being "blocked." I say no pun intended because of course, I was hoping to use Legos for my new project—hence, blocks. Mainly to create a relief, except my tub of Legos have been sitting side-by-side with my canvas on my dining room table for a little over 2 weeks now. 

Ugh.

I have these racing thoughts going through my head as I wonder what is it I want to achieve here. I know in my head what I want, but I just can't seem to execute it. It's frustrating as I am so eager to get this project going—or any project for that matter—and I am blocked, literally blocked. For the most part, I always know what I do when I'm creatively blocked with a graphic design project—and believe it or not, it always seems to work, but a fine art project such as this? I have no idea where to go, or what to do. Where do I take it? How far am I willing to go to execute this project?

It was recommended yesterday by my therapist that I should take 1–2 hour walks to my local downtown area and just sit and people watch; maybe even sketch. Keep in mind, I was never your typical artist who liked to sketch beforehand, I always just did it. Whether it's on the computer, or on a canvas, I just did it. So this is all new to me. I will sketch about nothing, possibly giving me the inspiration I so desire as I sit and watch the recent spring/summer colors on the trees, the laughing of children playing in the water fountain, and the smiles on everyone's face because the weather has turned warm—maybe those little pieces of happiness will immediately inspire me. 

Hey, it's worth a shot, right?

So today, today will be my first day attempting this task—besides, this is my homework assignment given to me by my therapist. I have a week to accomplish this "assignment." I can't let her down. Isn't this what I pay her for (or my insurance, for that matter)?

I have nothing to lose.

It'll get me out of my house, away from my video game and away from my virtual world, and into the fresh air and among people, many many people.

Wish me luck!

Bipolar Gal on Twitter