As I start this post, I know there's a chance that my husband will read it, therefore causing more hurt than I intend. Since I started this blog, my husband has been respecting my privacy, consequently trusting me with the freedom of writing what I need to express here, allowing me to write personal words throughout its fruition. Is it difficult for me to write this? Absolutely.
Here I go.
The past few weeks have been difficult for our relationship, to the point that we have been fighting everyday as a result. I admit, it's been mostly on my part, not his, as I scream hurtful words towards him in hopes of a change. I realize that's not the right way to approach such a private affair, but at the time, it's what I know and how I feel to react. Even though I regret it immediately after, my stubborness disables me from apologizing, whence continuing the hurt.
Sometimes I don't know how to move forward with our marriage, and sometimes nothing would please me more. It changes on a daily basis and on occastion, I ask myself, is this what I want? Do I want to be married in hopes of being left alone? Or just fight through what seems like a rough patch? I know he is soon getting to the point of frustration, therefore about to walk away from it all. I don't blame him, I have put both he and my daughter through hell. It's not fair to them, nor is it fair to myself.
The love I feel for him is unquestionable, it's why I have been married for so long. But the resentment I feel is also undeniable. I resent that we are in this financial anguish with only hope to guide us. At the time that I am writing this, we have no food, and my dog hasn't been able to eat aside from scraps we have left over from the previous week's dinner. I look inside our bare refrigerator and ask myself, how did it get this bad? I know that my unemployment has caused a great deal of that, but how can we still not have the money to eat? Forget a xmas tree or lights, we can't even afford that. Our home looks unconventional during this holiday season and nothing displeases me more. I've always loved this time of year and always enjoyed the bright twinkly lights permeating throughout our home. Only to look at dullness instead.
I'm bitter, I'm very bitter.
I ran out of my Trileptal last night and since my "drug dealer" is out of samples, I don't know when I'll be able to refill my prescription. After days of withdrawals, I know that will only hinder my diagnosis, not get better like it's supposed to.
Everyday I look at my husband with disgust. I watch him work many hours a week just so we can have food on the table, only to see it empty instead. Here is an educated man working at a job he loathes just so we can have health insurance, and work for a company that has not given him a raise since he started 6 years ago. I plead with him everyday to look for another job in hopes of a better life, but I can't watch over his shoulder wondering if he's adhering to my advice. He's a grown man, and I know he only wants what's best for our family and regrets the position we are currently in.
In my eyes, we are living the life of poverty, only to not qualify for food stamps or the like. According to the state, my husband makes too much money to collect. Ironic. We're not big spenders, nor do we have a lot of debt (if any). It comes from bills and rent that must be paid every month, only to snowball with regular past due amounts and regular phone calls fighting after us.
I don't know what to do at this point with my marriage, he has been there with me every step of the way as I struggled with my bipolar disorder, but as I wake up everyday in a dark depressive state due to our finances, I sometimes think it would only be easier if I went off on my own. Leaving him with my daughter to raise her properly and not have to worry about me and my illness or an extra mouth to feed.
As we sat through my therapy session last week, letting out our frustrations and spewing the hurt, I know that what I decide to do will have to come to fruition quickly, or both of us will sink down into a state of sadness and unhappiness. But what do I decide? How can I move forward with my life with or without him? That is what I need to think about every single day.
But how?
Give me the courage, please.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Fifty Shades of Bipolar Disorder
To even narrow this number down to fifty would be a challenge. There are so many different facets of bipolar disorder, that most of us—not even those of us suffering from this disease—will ever lay witness to. For most 'victims', it's buried deep within our brains and our souls, never to come out for the world to see. We tend to crawl deep inside our bodies in hopes of never being caught, ultimately to be left alone instead.
As we know, there are many ups and downs to bipolar disorder and that is in fact, what bipolar means—to be caught in different waves of mania as most struggle through what feels like, sheer hell. I can honestly say that I have experienced these waves of hell over this past year and a half alone. Even though I've had my family side-by-side with me every step of the way, I was alone while suffering these demons deep within my inner being. I never knew how to climb out of what felt like, the shell of my body. It was a challenge and therefore, a constant daily struggle.
I have recently learned that bipolar disorder has become a common disease among people of all ages, not just myself, but many others as well. As I was going through many stages of mania, I felt as if my world was crumbling below me, thus enabling me to always consider random thoughts of suicide. How would I do it? Why should I do it? And worse, when will I do it. There were times that I wanted to race upstairs into my kitchen and pull out a large, sharp kitchen knife only to free myself from the recurring reminders of pain. Thankfully, I didn't have the courage and eventually I would overcome these evil spirits that permeate my body everyday. Realizing that suicide is not only the answer, but a permanent effect of what my family would have to endure for eternity.
The feelings of what I struggle through with my bipolar disorder is a constant reminder of how sometimes, my medications don't always work. They're not always the answer to pure happiness, nor is it the end-all cure-all. Am I on the wrong meds? Perhaps. But according to my 'drug dealer,' they're the best that I could be on. Maybe a little tweaking here and there, but mostly an excellent concoction of a pharmaceutical mix.
I always daydream of how my life will improve, and how I could be filled with pure content. Yes, I'd be satisfied with that, considering how common it would be to be filled with pure happiness? Does it even exist, or are people just walking around fooling the rest of us, giving us the notion of envy? My cousin, for example, is most likely one of those people. She is, however, in a different position than I am, and will ever be. She and her husband are extremely wealthy. Oh, I don't mean the kind of wealth that most people are accustomed to, but a fortune that is only a small percentage of the population. They are worth hundreds of millions of dollars, therefore giving them the freedom of unlimited travel and lack of worry. I don't expect anywhere near that, but only a feeling of content and no worry of finances would satisfy my need of happiness. I realize that money is not always the answer to exuberance, but it sure would help.
If only.
Am I green with envy? Absolutely. Throughout my cousin's entire life, she has never had to worry about bills, finances, working or the like. My aunt and uncle have always been well off, consequently providing her the life of luxury. After marrying her husband, his business venture became a successful one, therefore giving them the privilege of infinate affluence. Is that fair? Mostly, it is. He worked hard. He didn't grow up with a silver spoon in his mouth like my cousin had the advantages of, ultimately providing him with the means of such wealth. I respect him for that.
Perhaps it's my bipolar disorder that provides me with such envy and obsession to their situation, but I know it's just mostly jealousy instead. I know my meds, or even hypnotherapy, couldn't solve these feelings or eliminate them completely. Maybe I'll be provided with control, or just a way of moving forward with my life without looking at them as if they're so much better than me, just because of their wealth.
I know there are so many dimensions of bipolar disorder, and I know they affect me in a way, that pulls me beyond my control, but I still continue to persevere in order to become 'normal' again, instead of a constant feeling of resentment. The ups and downs of my frequent manic episodes. If not for myself, but for my family as well. They deserve a stress-free life where walking in the door is not a walking-on-eggshell feeling of worry, waiting to see if the smile on my face is evident to provide them with relief, instead of wondering if I'll explode into fits of anger.
The many shades of bipolar disorder will one day pull me out of the continuous spirits of mania. I must have confidence that I will heal, and I will get better.
Or I'll go 'crazy.'
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
As we know, there are many ups and downs to bipolar disorder and that is in fact, what bipolar means—to be caught in different waves of mania as most struggle through what feels like, sheer hell. I can honestly say that I have experienced these waves of hell over this past year and a half alone. Even though I've had my family side-by-side with me every step of the way, I was alone while suffering these demons deep within my inner being. I never knew how to climb out of what felt like, the shell of my body. It was a challenge and therefore, a constant daily struggle.
I have recently learned that bipolar disorder has become a common disease among people of all ages, not just myself, but many others as well. As I was going through many stages of mania, I felt as if my world was crumbling below me, thus enabling me to always consider random thoughts of suicide. How would I do it? Why should I do it? And worse, when will I do it. There were times that I wanted to race upstairs into my kitchen and pull out a large, sharp kitchen knife only to free myself from the recurring reminders of pain. Thankfully, I didn't have the courage and eventually I would overcome these evil spirits that permeate my body everyday. Realizing that suicide is not only the answer, but a permanent effect of what my family would have to endure for eternity.
The feelings of what I struggle through with my bipolar disorder is a constant reminder of how sometimes, my medications don't always work. They're not always the answer to pure happiness, nor is it the end-all cure-all. Am I on the wrong meds? Perhaps. But according to my 'drug dealer,' they're the best that I could be on. Maybe a little tweaking here and there, but mostly an excellent concoction of a pharmaceutical mix.
I always daydream of how my life will improve, and how I could be filled with pure content. Yes, I'd be satisfied with that, considering how common it would be to be filled with pure happiness? Does it even exist, or are people just walking around fooling the rest of us, giving us the notion of envy? My cousin, for example, is most likely one of those people. She is, however, in a different position than I am, and will ever be. She and her husband are extremely wealthy. Oh, I don't mean the kind of wealth that most people are accustomed to, but a fortune that is only a small percentage of the population. They are worth hundreds of millions of dollars, therefore giving them the freedom of unlimited travel and lack of worry. I don't expect anywhere near that, but only a feeling of content and no worry of finances would satisfy my need of happiness. I realize that money is not always the answer to exuberance, but it sure would help.
If only.
Am I green with envy? Absolutely. Throughout my cousin's entire life, she has never had to worry about bills, finances, working or the like. My aunt and uncle have always been well off, consequently providing her the life of luxury. After marrying her husband, his business venture became a successful one, therefore giving them the privilege of infinate affluence. Is that fair? Mostly, it is. He worked hard. He didn't grow up with a silver spoon in his mouth like my cousin had the advantages of, ultimately providing him with the means of such wealth. I respect him for that.
Perhaps it's my bipolar disorder that provides me with such envy and obsession to their situation, but I know it's just mostly jealousy instead. I know my meds, or even hypnotherapy, couldn't solve these feelings or eliminate them completely. Maybe I'll be provided with control, or just a way of moving forward with my life without looking at them as if they're so much better than me, just because of their wealth.
I know there are so many dimensions of bipolar disorder, and I know they affect me in a way, that pulls me beyond my control, but I still continue to persevere in order to become 'normal' again, instead of a constant feeling of resentment. The ups and downs of my frequent manic episodes. If not for myself, but for my family as well. They deserve a stress-free life where walking in the door is not a walking-on-eggshell feeling of worry, waiting to see if the smile on my face is evident to provide them with relief, instead of wondering if I'll explode into fits of anger.
The many shades of bipolar disorder will one day pull me out of the continuous spirits of mania. I must have confidence that I will heal, and I will get better.
Or I'll go 'crazy.'
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Hypnotherapy?
Hypnotherapy is something I have never tried before, but in this day and time, I'm desperate. I need to take control of my life and do it now. With constant thoughts of obsession, I now know that in order to continue on with my life is the best way to go.
Or is it?
I've done some research about hypnotherapy and found that it's not what we all envision to be—an entertainment of sorts while flapping your arms like a chicken on the stage of a hypnotist, for the audience to enjoy. No, it's much more intense than that. According to the Mayo Clinic's website, you're in complete control of your actions, its a trance-like state in which you have heightened focus and concentration. Hypnosis is usually done with the help of a therapist using verbal repetition and visual objects. When you're under hypnosis, you usually feel calm and relaxed, and more open to suggestions.
Hypnosis can be used to help you gain control over undesired behaviors or to help you cope better with anxiety or pain. It's important to know that although you're more open to suggestion during hypnosis, you don't lose control over your behavior.
Can this form of therapy help me? Or shall I just continue to have the feelings of obsessions in which I face every single day? This feeling of helplessness has overpowered my life, therefore affected my marriage. In recent days, my obsession has been controlled, but for how long? My mind wanders in a state of gloom wondering what will happen next. I know these feelings will eventually subside, but I often ask myself when.
All it'll take it is one act that will ultimately throw me off the edge. The edge beyond reasonable merriment thus causing my behavior and obsession into a full blown chaotic state; a state of mania. As I continue to read my daily/monthly horoscope in hopes of an answer, I cross my fingers and hope that I will receive some sort of sign that everything will be alright. Even though I have never believed in horoscopes, the aligning of the stars and moons—or whatever it is—the desperation fills my soul hoping to be 'cured.' I'll try anything.
I realize that my naiveté will not solve all of my problems, if only my obsessions, but my torment will continue as I constantly pray that they will be answered, thus giving me back my happiness once again. I'm not a religious person, but faith is all I have at this point in time as I proceed in an attempt to control my life—aside from my regular daily meds. Without that one special sign every single day, my heart drops and I am unable to function normally—as normal as one can be when you're suffering from bipolar disorder.
Am I overreacting? Of course. I'm smart enough to know that what I'm feeling isn't real, it's just that part of my brain that's taking over my logical thinking. I know this much and I know that unless I take control of my life and these feelings of obsession, my life will be a constant pounding of distress. Much to the chagrin of my husband, he knows that in order to heal, I must have the strength to take that one little step in an attempt to move onward in the right direction.
There are no answers for me because it's a step that only I can take, and nobody else. I've had my therapist tell me for months that it must be done and like the ripping of a bandaid, it must be done cold turkey.
But how? Where do I start?
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
Or is it?
I've done some research about hypnotherapy and found that it's not what we all envision to be—an entertainment of sorts while flapping your arms like a chicken on the stage of a hypnotist, for the audience to enjoy. No, it's much more intense than that. According to the Mayo Clinic's website, you're in complete control of your actions, its a trance-like state in which you have heightened focus and concentration. Hypnosis is usually done with the help of a therapist using verbal repetition and visual objects. When you're under hypnosis, you usually feel calm and relaxed, and more open to suggestions.
Hypnosis can be used to help you gain control over undesired behaviors or to help you cope better with anxiety or pain. It's important to know that although you're more open to suggestion during hypnosis, you don't lose control over your behavior.
Can this form of therapy help me? Or shall I just continue to have the feelings of obsessions in which I face every single day? This feeling of helplessness has overpowered my life, therefore affected my marriage. In recent days, my obsession has been controlled, but for how long? My mind wanders in a state of gloom wondering what will happen next. I know these feelings will eventually subside, but I often ask myself when.
All it'll take it is one act that will ultimately throw me off the edge. The edge beyond reasonable merriment thus causing my behavior and obsession into a full blown chaotic state; a state of mania. As I continue to read my daily/monthly horoscope in hopes of an answer, I cross my fingers and hope that I will receive some sort of sign that everything will be alright. Even though I have never believed in horoscopes, the aligning of the stars and moons—or whatever it is—the desperation fills my soul hoping to be 'cured.' I'll try anything.
I realize that my naiveté will not solve all of my problems, if only my obsessions, but my torment will continue as I constantly pray that they will be answered, thus giving me back my happiness once again. I'm not a religious person, but faith is all I have at this point in time as I proceed in an attempt to control my life—aside from my regular daily meds. Without that one special sign every single day, my heart drops and I am unable to function normally—as normal as one can be when you're suffering from bipolar disorder.
Am I overreacting? Of course. I'm smart enough to know that what I'm feeling isn't real, it's just that part of my brain that's taking over my logical thinking. I know this much and I know that unless I take control of my life and these feelings of obsession, my life will be a constant pounding of distress. Much to the chagrin of my husband, he knows that in order to heal, I must have the strength to take that one little step in an attempt to move onward in the right direction.
There are no answers for me because it's a step that only I can take, and nobody else. I've had my therapist tell me for months that it must be done and like the ripping of a bandaid, it must be done cold turkey.
But how? Where do I start?
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
Monday, December 3, 2012
Insecurity.
I feel this often. Too often. More often than I'd like to admit. I'm a grown woman and I should be confident during this time in my life, only to feel the opposite instead. I should feel nothing but faith and assertiveness, but instead, I slither away from confrontation. I experience sadness while approaching these feelings that permeate throughout my body and my mind; throughout my soul. I can't seem to shake them, so as a result, I let them overcome my thoughts and my heart.
As the butterflies continue to flutter inside of me, I want to step outside of my body and take control; complete control of all of it. My entire life, my friends, my family, everyone surrounding me with whom I show a great deal of love for. Not to alienate them from my life completely, but to stand proud for those who have graced my affection and will only continue to do so.
So why would I feel insecure about these relationships? Why can't I just accept them as they are without the constant reassurance that everything will be OK? One word—insecurity.
The people who I have chosen to remain in my life are very special to me, therefore removing them now would be a mistake, if not a sad one. Although there are times where removing a friend or loved one from my life will seem like the right thing to do at that moment in time, I know in the future I will be filled with regret, only convincing myself that life is short. If it is in fact, short, I sometimes ask myself why continue on when I may believe something or someone may not be the proper fit for me which will have the advantage of gracing the presence of my life.
Most of the time I feel frustration, but don't we all? This is a common question we sometimes ask ourselves, but what is the answer? Is it as simple as removing that someone or something without further despair? I've always been the type of person who cares very deeply for the people in my life, especially friends. My friends mean a great deal to me, so when I feel as though I've been wronged in any way, I simply remove them from my life and move forward, without the uneasiness of looking back. However, certain friends have remained in my life regardless of their involvement and how they treat me. I know removing them from my life is the best thing to do, if only for my sanity and my future, but I can't, I just can't. I know it will only hurt and know I will constantly be filled with regret.
But for my future and my sanity? I know in my heart, it will be for the best. As they say, time heals all wounds. Doing it now will empower me.
My insecurity has only become the best of me, thus causing me to walk around in a cold daze. I know deep down that this is not healthy, and I need to rise above it and enable the invulnerability in my life and my mind. In this case, I know that confidence is of great magnitude.
As I am broached with a tough decision, I know whatever decision I make will be the right solution for me, and everyone around me. It can no longer affect my family like it has done for the past year or so. A thought that has rummaged through my mind for a long time coming, but I never had the courage to do so. I am weak, and I am not strong enough to make that one important step, so until then, I will continue to suffer and wonder, what if?
Like my entire life, insecurity has delegated my decision-making, and not for the good, but for the bad only. A negative that will continue to destroy my life until I take a stand in order to enrich it. Although I have tried many times, I always backed down, only to regret my weakness instead. Regret my cowardliness.
I need help, and I need guidance, and I need it now. If I only knew how.
Bipolar by Design
As the butterflies continue to flutter inside of me, I want to step outside of my body and take control; complete control of all of it. My entire life, my friends, my family, everyone surrounding me with whom I show a great deal of love for. Not to alienate them from my life completely, but to stand proud for those who have graced my affection and will only continue to do so.
So why would I feel insecure about these relationships? Why can't I just accept them as they are without the constant reassurance that everything will be OK? One word—insecurity.
The people who I have chosen to remain in my life are very special to me, therefore removing them now would be a mistake, if not a sad one. Although there are times where removing a friend or loved one from my life will seem like the right thing to do at that moment in time, I know in the future I will be filled with regret, only convincing myself that life is short. If it is in fact, short, I sometimes ask myself why continue on when I may believe something or someone may not be the proper fit for me which will have the advantage of gracing the presence of my life.
Most of the time I feel frustration, but don't we all? This is a common question we sometimes ask ourselves, but what is the answer? Is it as simple as removing that someone or something without further despair? I've always been the type of person who cares very deeply for the people in my life, especially friends. My friends mean a great deal to me, so when I feel as though I've been wronged in any way, I simply remove them from my life and move forward, without the uneasiness of looking back. However, certain friends have remained in my life regardless of their involvement and how they treat me. I know removing them from my life is the best thing to do, if only for my sanity and my future, but I can't, I just can't. I know it will only hurt and know I will constantly be filled with regret.
But for my future and my sanity? I know in my heart, it will be for the best. As they say, time heals all wounds. Doing it now will empower me.
My insecurity has only become the best of me, thus causing me to walk around in a cold daze. I know deep down that this is not healthy, and I need to rise above it and enable the invulnerability in my life and my mind. In this case, I know that confidence is of great magnitude.
As I am broached with a tough decision, I know whatever decision I make will be the right solution for me, and everyone around me. It can no longer affect my family like it has done for the past year or so. A thought that has rummaged through my mind for a long time coming, but I never had the courage to do so. I am weak, and I am not strong enough to make that one important step, so until then, I will continue to suffer and wonder, what if?
Like my entire life, insecurity has delegated my decision-making, and not for the good, but for the bad only. A negative that will continue to destroy my life until I take a stand in order to enrich it. Although I have tried many times, I always backed down, only to regret my weakness instead. Regret my cowardliness.
I need help, and I need guidance, and I need it now. If I only knew how.
Bipolar by Design
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Out of My Control
As I sit here pondering the inevitable question in my mind, while enjoying my morning cappuccino, my head is spinning around in circles and butterflies are once again, fluttering inside of me. Certain circumstances are always out of my grasp only to be out of my control—again. I don't know if it's my obsession getting the best of me like it always does these days, or if it's just disappointment and worry. My mind wanders aimlessly into this seemingly obsessed hole stuck in my brain, that it won't close up with thoughts of contentment instead.
Recently, certain events have changed all of that, and I don't know how to overcome them. Do I walk away from it completely or just deal with it like any adult learns to deal with? I want to escape from all of it because the constant overwhelming musings of what the possible ifs are quite simply, driving me crazy. It must stop and it must stop now.
But how?
It's not supposed to fade, but only flourish instead, as these past several months have only made me happy and secure in what it has become. Now that certain events have changed all of that—albeit in my mind only—it has, as a result, become bothersome in my mind. An obsession of sorts.
I worry about the inevitable replacement; something that will ultimately become out of my control. I can't control what may or may not happen simply because I am not within an earshot to control it. I can only sit back and hope for the best, and possibly prepare for the worst.
If you've seen the movie "Someone Like You" with Ashley Judd and Hugh Jackman, perhaps you'll know what I'm getting at. Throughout this movie, Ashley Judd's character, Jane, discusses the possibility (if not in a non-fiction sort of explanation) of a "New Cow Theory." This 'theory' explores a straightforward approach to the probability of the inevitable replacement of one person (or in this case, one cow) to another. Someone new, if you will.
The "Old Cow Theory" implies that as an 'old cow,' the boredom and excitement of this regular 'relationship' has gotten old; therefore, the spark has diminished. Whereas with a 'new cow,' the delight and newness of such 'theory,' has permeated one's thought process, therefore enabling this person to gravitate towards them even more. The pleasure and chemistry overwhelmed them in a state of ecstasy, if not pleasure.
Without divulging too much information here, mainly in fear of being "exposed," take it from me that mainly, due to unusual circumstances, there is literally nothing I can do to change this person's mind, because it is literally out of my grasp. What happens, happens.
So as I continue to obsess about it, how do I handle it? A part of me wants to walk away as an easy current solution, if only for me, in hopes of healing and moving forward with my life instead of the obsession that fills my mind and fills my soul everyday. Or perhaps just take a step back and let it fade away naturally. I know if I choose either scenario, I will be hurting in the process.
Like a bandaid, I know the former would only be the easiest—if not the most difficult—resolution in order to be happy and to not worry about the possibility of the inevitable. Time will encourage such a decision and knowing in my heart it must be done, but shall it be handled sooner or later, or immediately as a way of obtaining pure happiness and lack of worry. Eventually, to free my mind and free my heart.
That is the question I must continually ask myself on a regular, daily basis. At least until I have the courage and wherewithal to decide ultimately, what is best for me, and only me.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
Recently, certain events have changed all of that, and I don't know how to overcome them. Do I walk away from it completely or just deal with it like any adult learns to deal with? I want to escape from all of it because the constant overwhelming musings of what the possible ifs are quite simply, driving me crazy. It must stop and it must stop now.
But how?
It's not supposed to fade, but only flourish instead, as these past several months have only made me happy and secure in what it has become. Now that certain events have changed all of that—albeit in my mind only—it has, as a result, become bothersome in my mind. An obsession of sorts.
I worry about the inevitable replacement; something that will ultimately become out of my control. I can't control what may or may not happen simply because I am not within an earshot to control it. I can only sit back and hope for the best, and possibly prepare for the worst.
If you've seen the movie "Someone Like You" with Ashley Judd and Hugh Jackman, perhaps you'll know what I'm getting at. Throughout this movie, Ashley Judd's character, Jane, discusses the possibility (if not in a non-fiction sort of explanation) of a "New Cow Theory." This 'theory' explores a straightforward approach to the probability of the inevitable replacement of one person (or in this case, one cow) to another. Someone new, if you will.
The "Old Cow Theory" implies that as an 'old cow,' the boredom and excitement of this regular 'relationship' has gotten old; therefore, the spark has diminished. Whereas with a 'new cow,' the delight and newness of such 'theory,' has permeated one's thought process, therefore enabling this person to gravitate towards them even more. The pleasure and chemistry overwhelmed them in a state of ecstasy, if not pleasure.
Without divulging too much information here, mainly in fear of being "exposed," take it from me that mainly, due to unusual circumstances, there is literally nothing I can do to change this person's mind, because it is literally out of my grasp. What happens, happens.
So as I continue to obsess about it, how do I handle it? A part of me wants to walk away as an easy current solution, if only for me, in hopes of healing and moving forward with my life instead of the obsession that fills my mind and fills my soul everyday. Or perhaps just take a step back and let it fade away naturally. I know if I choose either scenario, I will be hurting in the process.
Like a bandaid, I know the former would only be the easiest—if not the most difficult—resolution in order to be happy and to not worry about the possibility of the inevitable. Time will encourage such a decision and knowing in my heart it must be done, but shall it be handled sooner or later, or immediately as a way of obtaining pure happiness and lack of worry. Eventually, to free my mind and free my heart.
That is the question I must continually ask myself on a regular, daily basis. At least until I have the courage and wherewithal to decide ultimately, what is best for me, and only me.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)