Bill Me Later

Bills. They never seem to go away, they only snowball every month and get worse; they accumulate. At least if you're like me, and you don't pay them every month. We've gotten to the point of being able to only pay the past due amount, instead of the entire balance. That's frustrating for us, because for once, we'd love to have a zero balance on everything—including our cell phone bill which is now $630. I make deals with Sprint every month, and every month, thankfully they work with us. But I fear, that one month, they won't and will require the entire balance to be paid in full. They have to be sick of us calling every month with the same sob story—we just can't pay it, can we work on a financial agreement instead.

By the time that financial agreement rolls around, we are unable to make that payment as well. Instead, we pay what we can, and keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Most companies will work with us, but a few just won't. They want their money up front and they want it now. For the most part, that hurts us financially, but we know in the end, it's for the best. We have gone without food and we've gone without gas to get to work. As recent as last week before I got my paycheck today. Living off ramen noodles and cheese on tortillas we thought was for college students instead. Not a family of three.

We feel like shit and we feel incompetent as parents. We're supposed to make sure that our daughter is well provided for and taken care of. Instead, these past few years, the only thing we're able to give her are random months of food and what we feel is happiness. I sometimes wonder if deep down, she regrets our situation and our family. Maybe wishes she was apart of another family instead of ours. I remember what it's like to be 12, so I know random wishing and regret are a huge part of that.

These past few weeks haven't been so bad. I made sure that once we got paid, I needed to load up with lots of food in our refrigerator because prior to that, it was completely bare. The only thing inside of it was a small block of cheese leftover from weeks of eating quesadillas and a few bottles of water. I myself can live off of white rice since it's what I ate while living as a starving student in NYC, but my family, that's another story. I can't expect my daughter to live off of white rice, nor can I expect her to spread peanut butter over a flour tortilla because the cheddar cheese is completely gone like she has grown so accustomed to these past few months.

When will it stop? When will our lives be normal and consistent?

I constantly ask this question because for a couple in their late 40's with college degrees, how and why is this happening? We all expect people who are impoverished to be what we think, the quintessential uneducated living in trailer parks kind of people.

I can confirm, that this is not always the case. We have a roof over our heads, so that much I am grateful for, but what else do we have? Each other? That doesn't always cut it. At least for me.

I'm not living in a Hollywood movie, and the sappy story of love will not pay our bills, will it?

When I see people driving their expensive cars and carrying their expensive purses, I'm resentful and I'm jealous. Jealous that they can easily write a check for anything they choose or please without even once cringing at the thought of that check clearing before you're able to put money in your bank account. Even though it's what we've done for many years, it gets tiresome and it gets depressing. What to do? We're trying to look for another job, but to no avail. It's a tough unemployed desperate world out there and competing with others with even more experience and more education than us is beyond heartbreaking.

Can you ever get used to a living like this? Even now, after all this time, the answer is no.

Because welcome to our world!

Bipolar Gal on Twitter

Let the Good Times Roll

After a long depressing month and a half, I quickly realized not long after I started my new job that it just wasn't for me. I knew within the first week that I hated it and I was unhappy. I kept asking myself this one simple question—"why can't I be happy? Why don't I appreciate what I have?"

In the past year, this seemed to be a constant reminder of what I was trying to convince myself of, only this time, it was worse. I was at a job that I was unhappy at and hated. The problem is, I loved my boss and loved the atmosphere where I worked. So how can I hate my job? Isn't that what it's mostly about anyway? Apparently not. I have never worked at a job where I really liked my boss that much and loved the atmosphere, so it was a confusing situation for me overall, but soon realized that happiness was more broad and more complex than what I had envisioned. 

I hated what I was doing and I hated going into work as a result of that. The weekends were great as I spent a great deal of time with my family and knew that I never wanted it to end. Until Monday came around, my world felt like I was going to burst; I felt as though I would explode with the anticipation of having to go back into work the very next day after the end of my weekend—Sunday night. I always dreaded that time of week knowing full well I'd have to put the alarm on and get ready for another long, drawn out depressing week of work.

I realize that most people, if not all, suffer through this every week. I have such envy for those who love their jobs and love what they do. But for me, I've never felt anywhere near that and I am taking this opportunity to move forward and try to be appreciative and most importantly, to be happy.

My boss came to me this week and reluctantly discussed the possibility of hiring me through my design company as a sub-contractor, salary every week as though I was an employee, and work on ongoing graphic design projects that are continuously needed. In a nutshell, he has decided to eliminate my position all together since let's face it, I wasn't very good at it. I tried my hardest to become a good executive assistant, but knew deep down in my heart that it wasn't a position I was happy with. Therefore, it was reflected in the outcome of my job performance.

For me, this has worked out for my benefit. Not only will I be able to work from home, but I can work on my Mac once again. I hated working on his PC and it was a struggle, I assure you. Telecommuting was something I had always desired, but never offered the opportunity for. This is ideal for me, and I know it's a possibility of my attempt to gain more clients. Yes, he will now be my client, and no longer my boss.

We sat there and worked out the details and in the end, it benefits both of us exponentially. I'm happy and I'm eager. Today is my last day as his executive assistant and going into the office as required. 

In the back of my mind, I worry about this opportunity and I continually tell myself "this is too good for me, I'm not supposed to be happy and am I good enough to follow through with this amazing opening of my career?" Part of my bipolar disorder is the constant negativity that runs through my mind, and I hate it. I wish I could knock it out of my brain so I can move forward without feeling as though I will come head-on with disaster.

As I sat there telling my therapist about this exciting news, she was thrilled and supportive. Although the money is a little less than what I was earning per week, it still worked out to my benefit. My husband is also supportive. 

But why can't I accept this as a great opportunity? Why am I thinking about it as though I will fail?

I want to be happy about it, and I want to be grateful and I want to be delighted about this amazing position and him hiring me through my company. Something that I've never experienced long term.

I need to accept it for what it is and move forward with anticipation, instead of thoughts of catastrophe.

It's time to move on and let the good times roll.

Bipolar Gal on Twitter