I'm Back!

I've been gone for 6 months now. I haven't written in my blog that entire time. Why? Because I got a job in late December and being in new surroundings with new people gave me a sense of importance—of being wanted and appreciated. I loved being in a social environment once again and as the months have gone by, I have become very close with the people that I work with. I've been happy and I love it.

Even though I don't make much money, it feels good to be out there once again. Although it's a bit of an insult making such a low wage, considering the 10+ years experience I have in my field and of course, my education, it still feels good nevertheless. But, I look at it this way, it's a job and more importantly, it got me out of the house and away from my video game and away from my solitude of a constant depression that was permeating my world everyday.

For once, I am not writing in my blog because of a depression due to my Bipolar Disorder, but because I am keeping an up-to-date look at my life as a way to prove to people that I can be happy. All of us suffering from Bipolar Disorder, can actually be happy.

For now.

I'm worried. I must admit that I am terrified of what might become once again. My husband lost his job a few months ago, so the money has become tight, and then even worse, we lost our health insurance. Now, don't get me wrong, he still has his other job as a personal trainer and he's now trying to establish a regular clientele, but in the meantime, we no longer have our health insurance, therefore as my medication runs out, we are unable to fulfill more prescriptions as a result of being too expensive. I am down to two prescriptions out of five total.

I'm scared. What will happen when the last prescription is gone? Will it come back in full force thus causing me to feel depressed once again, possibly affecting my employment? I'm very lucky, I work in a business where the owner is a wonderful, caring human being. He actually cares about his employees and always makes sure we're taken care of. I have become very close with my direct supervisor and as a result, our work environment has become enjoyable. Since she and I share an office together (she is also a designer), we get along famously. In my experience, this a very rare situation.

But I worry that as my medication goes bye-bye, my old "self" will come back with a vengeance. I've been happy, and I know a great deal of that is due to my job and my work environment and the people that I work with, but mostly, because of a regular dose of medication every month. As I inquired—hoping and praying—about the regular cost of my meds, I was astounded. How could something like this happen in one of the richest countries in the world? How could we as Americans, have horrendous and expensive coverage of health insurance and medications—or lack thereof? Don't get me wrong, I've always been privy to the health insurance problems in our country, but we've always been lucky enough to have a good amount of insurance due to my husband's employment, but now that I am one of those 'victims,' it bothers me even more. Especially since I have been told, since my initial diagnosis that medication must be a constant, regular occurrence in my life. It has always been presented to me in a way, as if someone suffering from diabetes will have to take medications for the rest of their life. The same goes with someone diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

I've dealt with that, and I've gotten used to it. Until now.

What will happen once I take my last pill? Will I start hitting myself again? Will I start crying for no reason? Will I take it out on my family? Will I have regular thoughts of suicide?

I'm frightened that this will all come back full force. The cost of my medications is beyond our budget and unfortunately, until we get insurance again (hopefully as my husband increases his clientele), I will be OK.

I know it's that old saying, only time will tell, but will it, or will it be immediate?

I don't know.

Bipolar Gal on Twitter

Bill Me Later

Bills. They never seem to go away, they only snowball every month and get worse; they accumulate. At least if you're like me, and you don't pay them every month. We've gotten to the point of being able to only pay the past due amount, instead of the entire balance. That's frustrating for us, because for once, we'd love to have a zero balance on everything—including our cell phone bill which is now $630. I make deals with Sprint every month, and every month, thankfully they work with us. But I fear, that one month, they won't and will require the entire balance to be paid in full. They have to be sick of us calling every month with the same sob story—we just can't pay it, can we work on a financial agreement instead.

By the time that financial agreement rolls around, we are unable to make that payment as well. Instead, we pay what we can, and keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Most companies will work with us, but a few just won't. They want their money up front and they want it now. For the most part, that hurts us financially, but we know in the end, it's for the best. We have gone without food and we've gone without gas to get to work. As recent as last week before I got my paycheck today. Living off ramen noodles and cheese on tortillas we thought was for college students instead. Not a family of three.

We feel like shit and we feel incompetent as parents. We're supposed to make sure that our daughter is well provided for and taken care of. Instead, these past few years, the only thing we're able to give her are random months of food and what we feel is happiness. I sometimes wonder if deep down, she regrets our situation and our family. Maybe wishes she was apart of another family instead of ours. I remember what it's like to be 12, so I know random wishing and regret are a huge part of that.

These past few weeks haven't been so bad. I made sure that once we got paid, I needed to load up with lots of food in our refrigerator because prior to that, it was completely bare. The only thing inside of it was a small block of cheese leftover from weeks of eating quesadillas and a few bottles of water. I myself can live off of white rice since it's what I ate while living as a starving student in NYC, but my family, that's another story. I can't expect my daughter to live off of white rice, nor can I expect her to spread peanut butter over a flour tortilla because the cheddar cheese is completely gone like she has grown so accustomed to these past few months.

When will it stop? When will our lives be normal and consistent?

I constantly ask this question because for a couple in their late 40's with college degrees, how and why is this happening? We all expect people who are impoverished to be what we think, the quintessential uneducated living in trailer parks kind of people.

I can confirm, that this is not always the case. We have a roof over our heads, so that much I am grateful for, but what else do we have? Each other? That doesn't always cut it. At least for me.

I'm not living in a Hollywood movie, and the sappy story of love will not pay our bills, will it?

When I see people driving their expensive cars and carrying their expensive purses, I'm resentful and I'm jealous. Jealous that they can easily write a check for anything they choose or please without even once cringing at the thought of that check clearing before you're able to put money in your bank account. Even though it's what we've done for many years, it gets tiresome and it gets depressing. What to do? We're trying to look for another job, but to no avail. It's a tough unemployed desperate world out there and competing with others with even more experience and more education than us is beyond heartbreaking.

Can you ever get used to a living like this? Even now, after all this time, the answer is no.

Because welcome to our world!

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