I've been gone for 6 months now. I haven't written in my blog that entire time. Why? Because I got a job in late December and being in new surroundings with new people gave me a sense of importance—of being wanted and appreciated. I loved being in a social environment once again and as the months have gone by, I have become very close with the people that I work with. I've been happy and I love it.
Even though I don't make much money, it feels good to be out there once again. Although it's a bit of an insult making such a low wage, considering the 10+ years experience I have in my field and of course, my education, it still feels good nevertheless. But, I look at it this way, it's a job and more importantly, it got me out of the house and away from my video game and away from my solitude of a constant depression that was permeating my world everyday.
For once, I am not writing in my blog because of a depression due to my Bipolar Disorder, but because I am keeping an up-to-date look at my life as a way to prove to people that I can be happy. All of us suffering from Bipolar Disorder, can actually be happy.
For now.
I'm worried. I must admit that I am terrified of what might become once again. My husband lost his job a few months ago, so the money has become tight, and then even worse, we lost our health insurance. Now, don't get me wrong, he still has his other job as a personal trainer and he's now trying to establish a regular clientele, but in the meantime, we no longer have our health insurance, therefore as my medication runs out, we are unable to fulfill more prescriptions as a result of being too expensive. I am down to two prescriptions out of five total.
I'm scared. What will happen when the last prescription is gone? Will it come back in full force thus causing me to feel depressed once again, possibly affecting my employment? I'm very lucky, I work in a business where the owner is a wonderful, caring human being. He actually cares about his employees and always makes sure we're taken care of. I have become very close with my direct supervisor and as a result, our work environment has become enjoyable. Since she and I share an office together (she is also a designer), we get along famously. In my experience, this a very rare situation.
But I worry that as my medication goes bye-bye, my old "self" will come back with a vengeance. I've been happy, and I know a great deal of that is due to my job and my work environment and the people that I work with, but mostly, because of a regular dose of medication every month. As I inquired—hoping and praying—about the regular cost of my meds, I was astounded. How could something like this happen in one of the richest countries in the world? How could we as Americans, have horrendous and expensive coverage of health insurance and medications—or lack thereof? Don't get me wrong, I've always been privy to the health insurance problems in our country, but we've always been lucky enough to have a good amount of insurance due to my husband's employment, but now that I am one of those 'victims,' it bothers me even more. Especially since I have been told, since my initial diagnosis that medication must be a constant, regular occurrence in my life. It has always been presented to me in a way, as if someone suffering from diabetes will have to take medications for the rest of their life. The same goes with someone diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
I've dealt with that, and I've gotten used to it. Until now.
What will happen once I take my last pill? Will I start hitting myself again? Will I start crying for no reason? Will I take it out on my family? Will I have regular thoughts of suicide?
I'm frightened that this will all come back full force. The cost of my medications is beyond our budget and unfortunately, until we get insurance again (hopefully as my husband increases his clientele), I will be OK.
I know it's that old saying, only time will tell, but will it, or will it be immediate?
I don't know.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
Showing posts with label graphic design. Show all posts
Showing posts with label graphic design. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Finally feeling better, but not cured...
I got a job. I finally got a job. About a month ago, the week before Xmas, I was hired to start a new job at a local print shop. I never thought I'd work at a print shop, but as a graphic designer, it was always recommended that I do so. There is so much to learn, and I never thought in a million years, with the many years of experience in my field, that I'd be at a loss of what I'm doing. Obviously I was hired as a graphic designer / pre-flight specialist. Pre-flight? What's that?
That's what we do in the printing business as setting up files for the printers to execute for the client. I have a lot to learn, and right now, I'm clueless. I walked into my first day feeling confident, knowing with the 10+ years of graphic design under my belt, I thought I knew it all.
Not the case.
Everyday I'm learning something new. I know this is good not only for my psyche, but my experience as a designer. This is what I needed to succeed in my field. While in college, professors always recommended to their design students of either an internship at a print shop, or better—a job. Several months ago, I had interviewed for a design position at another local print shop, only to be narrowed down to myself and another candidate. But unfortunately, I was not chosen. I was disappointed because I knew this would have been an ideal fit for me, but it just wasn't meant to be. Then several months later, I still remained unemployed.
Until now.
I knew during the interview that this is where I wanted to work. I knew right away after meeting the other designer and art directior, that it was where I wanted to be to further my career and experience. Then during the second interview with the production manager and the owner, it solidified my wishes. I walked out of that interview feeling more than confident, but assured that I would be offered the job.
And thankfully, I was right.
It wasn't even 30 minutes later that I received that anticipated call to start the following week. I was elated. I couldn't believe I was going to be employed once again. I knew I needed this to further my illness without feeling lonely and incompetent in what felt like eternal depression. I needed social interaction on a daily basis. I craved it.
Social interaction with other people out in the community than sitting by myself, everyday, in a dark loft waiting anxiously for my family to get home. There were days, however, that I admit I wanted to be by myself, but mostly I needed an adult conversation to further my intelligence. But, as any social person can imagine, speaking with my husband everyday and every night, only grew tiresome. Nothing against my husband, of course, but I wanted—and needed—to speak to a friend.
Once I started my job, it was apparent that this was the place for me. The owner of the company was always looking out for his employees, and my fellow co-workers were actually nice. They actually seemed genuine.They were considerate to one another. Something I just wasn't used to in my many years as an employee.
No cattiness here.
I was happy. I was actually happy. Could this be a feeling I have waited for for so long? For once, I didn't have that overriding feeling of negativitiy; something I have experienced for many months now. I felt confident and I actually have a good feeling about this place, as well as my employer (the owner).
As I continue to feel good about this job, I will work hard and continue to be social with my co-workers, perhaps going out and having the opportunity of sitting down and having a beer together. It's what I have needed for so long.
I need this to further my recovery, and although I have put my therapy sessions on hold, I will continue my medication regardless, because I want to feel good about myself as a person, as well as my job.
Dammit, I deserve this.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
That's what we do in the printing business as setting up files for the printers to execute for the client. I have a lot to learn, and right now, I'm clueless. I walked into my first day feeling confident, knowing with the 10+ years of graphic design under my belt, I thought I knew it all.
Not the case.
Everyday I'm learning something new. I know this is good not only for my psyche, but my experience as a designer. This is what I needed to succeed in my field. While in college, professors always recommended to their design students of either an internship at a print shop, or better—a job. Several months ago, I had interviewed for a design position at another local print shop, only to be narrowed down to myself and another candidate. But unfortunately, I was not chosen. I was disappointed because I knew this would have been an ideal fit for me, but it just wasn't meant to be. Then several months later, I still remained unemployed.
Until now.
I knew during the interview that this is where I wanted to work. I knew right away after meeting the other designer and art directior, that it was where I wanted to be to further my career and experience. Then during the second interview with the production manager and the owner, it solidified my wishes. I walked out of that interview feeling more than confident, but assured that I would be offered the job.
And thankfully, I was right.
It wasn't even 30 minutes later that I received that anticipated call to start the following week. I was elated. I couldn't believe I was going to be employed once again. I knew I needed this to further my illness without feeling lonely and incompetent in what felt like eternal depression. I needed social interaction on a daily basis. I craved it.
Social interaction with other people out in the community than sitting by myself, everyday, in a dark loft waiting anxiously for my family to get home. There were days, however, that I admit I wanted to be by myself, but mostly I needed an adult conversation to further my intelligence. But, as any social person can imagine, speaking with my husband everyday and every night, only grew tiresome. Nothing against my husband, of course, but I wanted—and needed—to speak to a friend.
Once I started my job, it was apparent that this was the place for me. The owner of the company was always looking out for his employees, and my fellow co-workers were actually nice. They actually seemed genuine.They were considerate to one another. Something I just wasn't used to in my many years as an employee.
No cattiness here.
I was happy. I was actually happy. Could this be a feeling I have waited for for so long? For once, I didn't have that overriding feeling of negativitiy; something I have experienced for many months now. I felt confident and I actually have a good feeling about this place, as well as my employer (the owner).
As I continue to feel good about this job, I will work hard and continue to be social with my co-workers, perhaps going out and having the opportunity of sitting down and having a beer together. It's what I have needed for so long.
I need this to further my recovery, and although I have put my therapy sessions on hold, I will continue my medication regardless, because I want to feel good about myself as a person, as well as my job.
Dammit, I deserve this.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
Friday, September 7, 2012
Let the Good Times Roll
After a long depressing month and a half, I quickly realized not long after I started my new job that it just wasn't for me. I knew within the first week that I hated it and I was unhappy. I kept asking myself this one simple question—"why can't I be happy? Why don't I appreciate what I have?"
In the past year, this seemed to be a constant reminder of what I was trying to convince myself of, only this time, it was worse. I was at a job that I was unhappy at and hated. The problem is, I loved my boss and loved the atmosphere where I worked. So how can I hate my job? Isn't that what it's mostly about anyway? Apparently not. I have never worked at a job where I really liked my boss that much and loved the atmosphere, so it was a confusing situation for me overall, but soon realized that happiness was more broad and more complex than what I had envisioned.
I hated what I was doing and I hated going into work as a result of that. The weekends were great as I spent a great deal of time with my family and knew that I never wanted it to end. Until Monday came around, my world felt like I was going to burst; I felt as though I would explode with the anticipation of having to go back into work the very next day after the end of my weekend—Sunday night. I always dreaded that time of week knowing full well I'd have to put the alarm on and get ready for another long, drawn out depressing week of work.
I realize that most people, if not all, suffer through this every week. I have such envy for those who love their jobs and love what they do. But for me, I've never felt anywhere near that and I am taking this opportunity to move forward and try to be appreciative and most importantly, to be happy.
My boss came to me this week and reluctantly discussed the possibility of hiring me through my design company as a sub-contractor, salary every week as though I was an employee, and work on ongoing graphic design projects that are continuously needed. In a nutshell, he has decided to eliminate my position all together since let's face it, I wasn't very good at it. I tried my hardest to become a good executive assistant, but knew deep down in my heart that it wasn't a position I was happy with. Therefore, it was reflected in the outcome of my job performance.
For me, this has worked out for my benefit. Not only will I be able to work from home, but I can work on my Mac once again. I hated working on his PC and it was a struggle, I assure you. Telecommuting was something I had always desired, but never offered the opportunity for. This is ideal for me, and I know it's a possibility of my attempt to gain more clients. Yes, he will now be my client, and no longer my boss.
We sat there and worked out the details and in the end, it benefits both of us exponentially. I'm happy and I'm eager. Today is my last day as his executive assistant and going into the office as required.
In the back of my mind, I worry about this opportunity and I continually tell myself "this is too good for me, I'm not supposed to be happy and am I good enough to follow through with this amazing opening of my career?" Part of my bipolar disorder is the constant negativity that runs through my mind, and I hate it. I wish I could knock it out of my brain so I can move forward without feeling as though I will come head-on with disaster.
As I sat there telling my therapist about this exciting news, she was thrilled and supportive. Although the money is a little less than what I was earning per week, it still worked out to my benefit. My husband is also supportive.
But why can't I accept this as a great opportunity? Why am I thinking about it as though I will fail?
I want to be happy about it, and I want to be grateful and I want to be delighted about this amazing position and him hiring me through my company. Something that I've never experienced long term.
I need to accept it for what it is and move forward with anticipation, instead of thoughts of catastrophe.
It's time to move on and let the good times roll.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
In the past year, this seemed to be a constant reminder of what I was trying to convince myself of, only this time, it was worse. I was at a job that I was unhappy at and hated. The problem is, I loved my boss and loved the atmosphere where I worked. So how can I hate my job? Isn't that what it's mostly about anyway? Apparently not. I have never worked at a job where I really liked my boss that much and loved the atmosphere, so it was a confusing situation for me overall, but soon realized that happiness was more broad and more complex than what I had envisioned.
I hated what I was doing and I hated going into work as a result of that. The weekends were great as I spent a great deal of time with my family and knew that I never wanted it to end. Until Monday came around, my world felt like I was going to burst; I felt as though I would explode with the anticipation of having to go back into work the very next day after the end of my weekend—Sunday night. I always dreaded that time of week knowing full well I'd have to put the alarm on and get ready for another long, drawn out depressing week of work.
I realize that most people, if not all, suffer through this every week. I have such envy for those who love their jobs and love what they do. But for me, I've never felt anywhere near that and I am taking this opportunity to move forward and try to be appreciative and most importantly, to be happy.
My boss came to me this week and reluctantly discussed the possibility of hiring me through my design company as a sub-contractor, salary every week as though I was an employee, and work on ongoing graphic design projects that are continuously needed. In a nutshell, he has decided to eliminate my position all together since let's face it, I wasn't very good at it. I tried my hardest to become a good executive assistant, but knew deep down in my heart that it wasn't a position I was happy with. Therefore, it was reflected in the outcome of my job performance.
For me, this has worked out for my benefit. Not only will I be able to work from home, but I can work on my Mac once again. I hated working on his PC and it was a struggle, I assure you. Telecommuting was something I had always desired, but never offered the opportunity for. This is ideal for me, and I know it's a possibility of my attempt to gain more clients. Yes, he will now be my client, and no longer my boss.
We sat there and worked out the details and in the end, it benefits both of us exponentially. I'm happy and I'm eager. Today is my last day as his executive assistant and going into the office as required.
In the back of my mind, I worry about this opportunity and I continually tell myself "this is too good for me, I'm not supposed to be happy and am I good enough to follow through with this amazing opening of my career?" Part of my bipolar disorder is the constant negativity that runs through my mind, and I hate it. I wish I could knock it out of my brain so I can move forward without feeling as though I will come head-on with disaster.
As I sat there telling my therapist about this exciting news, she was thrilled and supportive. Although the money is a little less than what I was earning per week, it still worked out to my benefit. My husband is also supportive.
But why can't I accept this as a great opportunity? Why am I thinking about it as though I will fail?
I want to be happy about it, and I want to be grateful and I want to be delighted about this amazing position and him hiring me through my company. Something that I've never experienced long term.
I need to accept it for what it is and move forward with anticipation, instead of thoughts of catastrophe.
It's time to move on and let the good times roll.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
Monday, August 27, 2012
Excitement & Disappointment
My job. Yup, you guessed it. I was so eager to start my job when it was offered to me a few days prior, only to be disappointed upon my starting. How can that happen? Why does it seem that my disappointment is something that is a common occurrence for me.
Will I ever be happy?
I have to admit something, and even though I'm not proud to admit this, I know it needs to be said—if only for my own personal gratification. Here I go—I've never enjoyed working.
There, I said it.
During my unemployment, I enjoyed staying at home being by myself and collecting those what felt like, neverending unemployment checks. I never thought I'd be one of those people who would "take advantage of the system" but instead, would prefer to be with people while being out there in the work force. Lately, I've been the opposite. I was dreading being 'out there' while mingling and working.
How could this be? One word—dissatisfaction.
I've never liked any of my jobs. Although I love the graphic design field as a whole, I've never worked at a design job that I truly loved or held passion for. On the contrary, I was unhappy and I was saddened by my lack of creative inspiration that held me back as an artist and a designer. I've always dreamed about working for a large advertising agency or small design studio, only to be employed by a magazine or newspaper instead. I've never had that agency experience which is commonly required by 'real' graphic design jobs.
Don't get me wrong, I'm appreciative of what opportunity I've been given in my field, but I've never felt the need to aspire to receive a promotion within my past companies or a sense of pride for what I did. Isn't that what it's supposed to be about?
Upon graduation, I know that any sort of job outside of my two internships would be a godsend in my field allowing me to build up my portfolio away from the common recent graduate of school work. Especially in such a competitive field, but only to be disillusioned instead. I wanted to fulfill my dream, I wanted to dive in full throttle and work as a true graphic designer—not someone sitting in front of a computer creating nothing but ads and layouts for a local magazine or newspaper.
It was disheartening and frequently shattered my hopes and dreams.
With my new job, it has only become exponentially worse. Since technically I am not a graphic designer, but an assistant instead—an executive assistant that has no meaning or purpose but making mundane phone calls and regular copying for the company. Is that where my degree was supposed to take me? Yes, I know I'm lucky to be employed during these hard times, but is it so much to ask to even work as a designer part time? I'm not picky, I'd even accept a design position at a local newspaper with a small amount of employees. At this point, I wouldn't care how much salary I made, as long as I was happy. For once in my life, I wanted to be happy.
I worked hard to graduate from college and my goal was to never have to work in a field—or at a job—where I was dismayed again. Only to be taken backwards in my life in this job.
As I continue to look for that 'perfect' job in my field, I know that I may be stuck working at a job that I loathe instead of a job that I love. However, I won't give up, I will persevere for the one job that'll perhaps provide me eagerness as I embark on a new chapter in my life.
Or will I?
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
Will I ever be happy?
I have to admit something, and even though I'm not proud to admit this, I know it needs to be said—if only for my own personal gratification. Here I go—I've never enjoyed working.
There, I said it.
During my unemployment, I enjoyed staying at home being by myself and collecting those what felt like, neverending unemployment checks. I never thought I'd be one of those people who would "take advantage of the system" but instead, would prefer to be with people while being out there in the work force. Lately, I've been the opposite. I was dreading being 'out there' while mingling and working.
How could this be? One word—dissatisfaction.
I've never liked any of my jobs. Although I love the graphic design field as a whole, I've never worked at a design job that I truly loved or held passion for. On the contrary, I was unhappy and I was saddened by my lack of creative inspiration that held me back as an artist and a designer. I've always dreamed about working for a large advertising agency or small design studio, only to be employed by a magazine or newspaper instead. I've never had that agency experience which is commonly required by 'real' graphic design jobs.
Don't get me wrong, I'm appreciative of what opportunity I've been given in my field, but I've never felt the need to aspire to receive a promotion within my past companies or a sense of pride for what I did. Isn't that what it's supposed to be about?
Upon graduation, I know that any sort of job outside of my two internships would be a godsend in my field allowing me to build up my portfolio away from the common recent graduate of school work. Especially in such a competitive field, but only to be disillusioned instead. I wanted to fulfill my dream, I wanted to dive in full throttle and work as a true graphic designer—not someone sitting in front of a computer creating nothing but ads and layouts for a local magazine or newspaper.
It was disheartening and frequently shattered my hopes and dreams.
With my new job, it has only become exponentially worse. Since technically I am not a graphic designer, but an assistant instead—an executive assistant that has no meaning or purpose but making mundane phone calls and regular copying for the company. Is that where my degree was supposed to take me? Yes, I know I'm lucky to be employed during these hard times, but is it so much to ask to even work as a designer part time? I'm not picky, I'd even accept a design position at a local newspaper with a small amount of employees. At this point, I wouldn't care how much salary I made, as long as I was happy. For once in my life, I wanted to be happy.
I worked hard to graduate from college and my goal was to never have to work in a field—or at a job—where I was dismayed again. Only to be taken backwards in my life in this job.
As I continue to look for that 'perfect' job in my field, I know that I may be stuck working at a job that I loathe instead of a job that I love. However, I won't give up, I will persevere for the one job that'll perhaps provide me eagerness as I embark on a new chapter in my life.
Or will I?
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Last Minute Lulu
As I sit here contemplating what to work on next—as far as art projects go—I truly don't even know where to start. My mind keeps going around in a circle and for me, this has been a common occurrence for the past month or so. I'm not sure if this is necessarily a good thing—or just how I am in general—but as I sit here and examine what to work on next, I know it's part of my racing thoughts and a frequent development as a result of my bipolar disorder.
I have so many projects I want to work on, but I seem to ponder which one to start first? Which to go forward with next? This coming Saturday, I will be submitting a project to my local museum for a subject that means a great deal to me. Although I have three more days (counting today) I must have it finished in order to submit my idea, I have yet to start except for a few photographs that were printed out before I've gotten started on my finished idea.
I'm excited and I'm eager to stand before the museum judges in hopes of exhibiting this project, but whether or not I will be accepted to display this piece is irrelevant, because I know for certain that it's a step in the right direction for me.
A matter of self-confidence that I have lacked for so long.
After two and half years of not wanting anything to do with art and having zero inspiration, this is a monumental achievement for me. I know I'm ready to embark on the next step of my design career, but how can I go forward if I can't get a simple project such as this started? I know now I'm ready to do so, even after I questioned it as I started to have ideas in my head, but now the dilemma is when? What to do next to avoid this constant procrastination that lingers through my brain.
This is what I've always known, and how I've always been, even in school, I have always procrastinated and waited until the last minute. Not sure if this is a positive undertaking, or if it's just how I work and it works for me, but I know eventually this will come and bite me in the ass. As a result of my continuous postponement, I felt that my projects were lacking due to the lack of thought and timely execution. I always seem to go through what I'm going to do and how I will execute it in my mind, eventually leading up to when it's due, however, for this particular project, I know it's not necessarily the finished product that will get me accepted, but my idea in instead. But I still want to submit a somewhat professional 3D design that will "knock their socks off."
Thankfully, for the compliance of the exhibit and the presenting of my idea/project, the only requirement is a simple sketch, photograph, 3D project, or even the actual product itself. I'm excited and I hope it's something I can place on my resume as a display in this highly revered museum, because I know it's one more notch for my career and a current one at that.
I know part of my procrastination has always been apart of my bipolar disorder, but I will no longer question it and perhaps accept it, because I know, as a part of my medication and success, I must override this urge to wait any longer, and just do it! Go forward and plan ahead because I know this will benefit me in all projects ongoing.
It will turn it into a positive.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
I have so many projects I want to work on, but I seem to ponder which one to start first? Which to go forward with next? This coming Saturday, I will be submitting a project to my local museum for a subject that means a great deal to me. Although I have three more days (counting today) I must have it finished in order to submit my idea, I have yet to start except for a few photographs that were printed out before I've gotten started on my finished idea.
I'm excited and I'm eager to stand before the museum judges in hopes of exhibiting this project, but whether or not I will be accepted to display this piece is irrelevant, because I know for certain that it's a step in the right direction for me.
A matter of self-confidence that I have lacked for so long.
After two and half years of not wanting anything to do with art and having zero inspiration, this is a monumental achievement for me. I know I'm ready to embark on the next step of my design career, but how can I go forward if I can't get a simple project such as this started? I know now I'm ready to do so, even after I questioned it as I started to have ideas in my head, but now the dilemma is when? What to do next to avoid this constant procrastination that lingers through my brain.
This is what I've always known, and how I've always been, even in school, I have always procrastinated and waited until the last minute. Not sure if this is a positive undertaking, or if it's just how I work and it works for me, but I know eventually this will come and bite me in the ass. As a result of my continuous postponement, I felt that my projects were lacking due to the lack of thought and timely execution. I always seem to go through what I'm going to do and how I will execute it in my mind, eventually leading up to when it's due, however, for this particular project, I know it's not necessarily the finished product that will get me accepted, but my idea in instead. But I still want to submit a somewhat professional 3D design that will "knock their socks off."
Thankfully, for the compliance of the exhibit and the presenting of my idea/project, the only requirement is a simple sketch, photograph, 3D project, or even the actual product itself. I'm excited and I hope it's something I can place on my resume as a display in this highly revered museum, because I know it's one more notch for my career and a current one at that.
I know part of my procrastination has always been apart of my bipolar disorder, but I will no longer question it and perhaps accept it, because I know, as a part of my medication and success, I must override this urge to wait any longer, and just do it! Go forward and plan ahead because I know this will benefit me in all projects ongoing.
It will turn it into a positive.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Back to the Drawing Board
I'm scared, I'm really scared. I've been searching for a job for 3 weeks now only to get one interview as a result of that. I've recently changed up my resume, and as I looked at the list of employers, I've come to the realization that perhaps the reason I haven't been called is because my jobs are less than a year in length. It was finally obvious to me how in the past I've really jumped from job-to-job.
All these years, I always thought it was me, but as I have recently been taking medication for my bipolar disorder and attended regular therapy sessions, I've been assured that a common problem with people suffering from this disease/illness, is lack of stability as well as the recurrence of jumping from job-to-job.
It makes complete sense to me, not because I'm trying to come up with an excuse for my lack of continuous employment, but because as I look back at each job, it seems the common denominator has always been finding fault in someone I work with—whether it be my direct boss, owner, or even a fellow co-worker. Clearly there is a pattern here.
At that time, I always asked myself, "what is wrong with me? Why can't I get along with anybody?" But the way I am and with my outgoing personality, this is rarely the case, nevertheless, there always seems to be one person—a single individual who makes me feel unworthy and makes me believe that I am incompetent . Now, I have never had problems, or even issues, with making friends with the people I work with—I have even made certain that we have a weekly night out not just as co-workers, but friends too. So how can this ever be a problem?
It can't right? Or can it?
It seems that placing blame on the people I didn't get along with was a habit for me, a very bad habit. I've either lost my job, or just quit in anticipation of the possibility that I will lose my job as a result of this person and our conflict. Only to be paranoid with my assumption and be completely one-sided.
As I look back, it's now obvious to me that I know a large part of these conflicts were from my bipolar disorder, and how it has contributed a great deal to these disagreements. Can I change from this as I embark on a new job, or will I continue to create these demons in my head and think the worst of people? I know it's like what I've been saying in my last post, Paranoia & Confusion, that 'only time will tell,' but apart of me is still fearful that this will become an issue, if only in my head thus causing me to again, lose my job.
As I continue to try and find a job in my field of graphic design, there's a large possibility that I will be unable to find success in this field that I have grown to love and become passionate about, but in a customer service position instead. Again, I worry about working with the public in this capacity, but I think I'll be OK, but of course, how can I be certain of my triumph? Maybe it'll be good for me that I work with people without the paranoid feeling of constantly being judged as I am as a graphic designer. That has always been a struggle for me, especially considering my insecurity and lack of confidence, because as a designer, it is always an issue I've dealt with.
I have always said that things happen for a reason; I have always believed this to be true. I must tell myself now that if I am unsuccessful in finding a job as a designer, then there's a reason for this, that I will persevere in said position instead because anything is possible.
The world is my oyster.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
All these years, I always thought it was me, but as I have recently been taking medication for my bipolar disorder and attended regular therapy sessions, I've been assured that a common problem with people suffering from this disease/illness, is lack of stability as well as the recurrence of jumping from job-to-job.
It makes complete sense to me, not because I'm trying to come up with an excuse for my lack of continuous employment, but because as I look back at each job, it seems the common denominator has always been finding fault in someone I work with—whether it be my direct boss, owner, or even a fellow co-worker. Clearly there is a pattern here.
At that time, I always asked myself, "what is wrong with me? Why can't I get along with anybody?" But the way I am and with my outgoing personality, this is rarely the case, nevertheless, there always seems to be one person—a single individual who makes me feel unworthy and makes me believe that I am incompetent . Now, I have never had problems, or even issues, with making friends with the people I work with—I have even made certain that we have a weekly night out not just as co-workers, but friends too. So how can this ever be a problem?
It can't right? Or can it?
It seems that placing blame on the people I didn't get along with was a habit for me, a very bad habit. I've either lost my job, or just quit in anticipation of the possibility that I will lose my job as a result of this person and our conflict. Only to be paranoid with my assumption and be completely one-sided.
As I look back, it's now obvious to me that I know a large part of these conflicts were from my bipolar disorder, and how it has contributed a great deal to these disagreements. Can I change from this as I embark on a new job, or will I continue to create these demons in my head and think the worst of people? I know it's like what I've been saying in my last post, Paranoia & Confusion, that 'only time will tell,' but apart of me is still fearful that this will become an issue, if only in my head thus causing me to again, lose my job.
As I continue to try and find a job in my field of graphic design, there's a large possibility that I will be unable to find success in this field that I have grown to love and become passionate about, but in a customer service position instead. Again, I worry about working with the public in this capacity, but I think I'll be OK, but of course, how can I be certain of my triumph? Maybe it'll be good for me that I work with people without the paranoid feeling of constantly being judged as I am as a graphic designer. That has always been a struggle for me, especially considering my insecurity and lack of confidence, because as a designer, it is always an issue I've dealt with.
I have always said that things happen for a reason; I have always believed this to be true. I must tell myself now that if I am unsuccessful in finding a job as a designer, then there's a reason for this, that I will persevere in said position instead because anything is possible.
The world is my oyster.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
Friday, June 1, 2012
Back in the Saddle Again
For over two years, two long years, I had no desire whatsoever to work on my graphic design and/or art. I just wanted to sit and play my video game. That's it. That was my goal; that is what consisted of my day.
I don't blame the video game or my addiction to my lack of interest in my art, I blame my frustration and I blame Bipolar Disorder. But life can't be filled with blame, if all we do is blame then we never hold ourselves accountable for the mistakes that we make. I am choosing to get help for my Bipolar and choosing to get well again. I have so much to live in my life and so much to see, that getting well will only enrich it, not ruin it.
It was difficult these past two years without my art, without my work. I truly thought I'd never have the desire to go back. I always looked at it as a creative block, nothing more, nothing less. I was afraid that I'd never have that desire to create and design like I used to. I had such passion for it and to then wake up one day and have it disappear was discouraging, as well as depressing. I had worked so hard to obtain my bachelors degree in graphic design, that it was almost a disincline from everything that had been so meaningful in my life.
Until now.
After two and a half years, I can now look ahead and move forward with my work and my art. Even though I am still currently unemployed, I still have hope that I can create on my own and design for me. Right now, I need that more than anything. It'll not only keep me sane, but keep me occupied. Keep my thoughts from racing every night as I lie in bed attempting to go to sleep. My psychiatric nurse—whom I refer to as my 'drug dealer'—had recommended that I keep a journal or note pad next to my bed so I can write down my racing thoughts. But I don't need a note pad, thankfully I still remember all of my thoughts and ideas the following day.
If only it were this easy. I admit, there are days where my mind and thoughts are constantly coming up with ideas on what project to work on next, only to find myself unable to execute it when I approach the plate. It has been frustrating. I've never had this problem before and I've never been this "blocked." It has become quite the eye opener for me. Reality.
Sometimes I ask myself "why?" Why am I atttempting to do this again? Why not just walk away and find something else to occupy my time? I had even thought about focusing my energy on learning to cook, but for me for the most part, art/design is still where I belong. When you're an artist, the answer isn't as simple as it may seem. It's something deep inside of you that needs to come out; that needs to be expressed. STAT!
But where do I start?
I'm confused by this question, simply because I am still confused to why I was 'blocked' to begin with. Since I was 13 years old, after seeing the movie Xanadu, I knew that becoming a commercial artist—which is what graphic design was called back then—was my calling in life. Although I initially dreamed of becoming an architect, I immediately came to the realization that math was not my forté; my weakest subject.
Next dream—graphic designer.
Art history and architecture is still to this day, something I have such passion for, so I just realized that I can still enjoy it without having it as my career.
Even if I don't get a job in my field right now, I'm actually OK with that. At this point, working at a coffee shop would be sufficient. As long as I'm around people and can socialize with the real world, in lieu of the virtual world which I have become so accustomed to after 2+ years. I need and crave for that more than anything right now.
That will help me heal.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
I don't blame the video game or my addiction to my lack of interest in my art, I blame my frustration and I blame Bipolar Disorder. But life can't be filled with blame, if all we do is blame then we never hold ourselves accountable for the mistakes that we make. I am choosing to get help for my Bipolar and choosing to get well again. I have so much to live in my life and so much to see, that getting well will only enrich it, not ruin it.
It was difficult these past two years without my art, without my work. I truly thought I'd never have the desire to go back. I always looked at it as a creative block, nothing more, nothing less. I was afraid that I'd never have that desire to create and design like I used to. I had such passion for it and to then wake up one day and have it disappear was discouraging, as well as depressing. I had worked so hard to obtain my bachelors degree in graphic design, that it was almost a disincline from everything that had been so meaningful in my life.
Until now.
After two and a half years, I can now look ahead and move forward with my work and my art. Even though I am still currently unemployed, I still have hope that I can create on my own and design for me. Right now, I need that more than anything. It'll not only keep me sane, but keep me occupied. Keep my thoughts from racing every night as I lie in bed attempting to go to sleep. My psychiatric nurse—whom I refer to as my 'drug dealer'—had recommended that I keep a journal or note pad next to my bed so I can write down my racing thoughts. But I don't need a note pad, thankfully I still remember all of my thoughts and ideas the following day.
If only it were this easy. I admit, there are days where my mind and thoughts are constantly coming up with ideas on what project to work on next, only to find myself unable to execute it when I approach the plate. It has been frustrating. I've never had this problem before and I've never been this "blocked." It has become quite the eye opener for me. Reality.
Sometimes I ask myself "why?" Why am I atttempting to do this again? Why not just walk away and find something else to occupy my time? I had even thought about focusing my energy on learning to cook, but for me for the most part, art/design is still where I belong. When you're an artist, the answer isn't as simple as it may seem. It's something deep inside of you that needs to come out; that needs to be expressed. STAT!
But where do I start?
I'm confused by this question, simply because I am still confused to why I was 'blocked' to begin with. Since I was 13 years old, after seeing the movie Xanadu, I knew that becoming a commercial artist—which is what graphic design was called back then—was my calling in life. Although I initially dreamed of becoming an architect, I immediately came to the realization that math was not my forté; my weakest subject.
Next dream—graphic designer.
Art history and architecture is still to this day, something I have such passion for, so I just realized that I can still enjoy it without having it as my career.
Even if I don't get a job in my field right now, I'm actually OK with that. At this point, working at a coffee shop would be sufficient. As long as I'm around people and can socialize with the real world, in lieu of the virtual world which I have become so accustomed to after 2+ years. I need and crave for that more than anything right now.
That will help me heal.
Pop Art illustration Raisins – Artist, me – 2006
Pop Art illustration S.O.S. Pads – Artist, me – 2006
Pop Art illustration Spaghetti Sauce & Tomato Soup – Artist, me – 2006
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