Bills. They never seem to go away, they only snowball every month and get worse; they accumulate. At least if you're like me, and you don't pay them every month. We've gotten to the point of being able to only pay the past due amount, instead of the entire balance. That's frustrating for us, because for once, we'd love to have a zero balance on everything—including our cell phone bill which is now $630. I make deals with Sprint every month, and every month, thankfully they work with us. But I fear, that one month, they won't and will require the entire balance to be paid in full. They have to be sick of us calling every month with the same sob story—we just can't pay it, can we work on a financial agreement instead.
By the time that financial agreement rolls around, we are unable to make that payment as well. Instead, we pay what we can, and keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best.
Most companies will work with us, but a few just won't. They want their money up front and they want it now. For the most part, that hurts us financially, but we know in the end, it's for the best. We have gone without food and we've gone without gas to get to work. As recent as last week before I got my paycheck today. Living off ramen noodles and cheese on tortillas we thought was for college students instead. Not a family of three.
We feel like shit and we feel incompetent as parents. We're supposed to make sure that our daughter is well provided for and taken care of. Instead, these past few years, the only thing we're able to give her are random months of food and what we feel is happiness. I sometimes wonder if deep down, she regrets our situation and our family. Maybe wishes she was apart of another family instead of ours. I remember what it's like to be 12, so I know random wishing and regret are a huge part of that.
These past few weeks haven't been so bad. I made sure that once we got paid, I needed to load up with lots of food in our refrigerator because prior to that, it was completely bare. The only thing inside of it was a small block of cheese leftover from weeks of eating quesadillas and a few bottles of water. I myself can live off of white rice since it's what I ate while living as a starving student in NYC, but my family, that's another story. I can't expect my daughter to live off of white rice, nor can I expect her to spread peanut butter over a flour tortilla because the cheddar cheese is completely gone like she has grown so accustomed to these past few months.
When will it stop? When will our lives be normal and consistent?
I constantly ask this question because for a couple in their late 40's with college degrees, how and why is this happening? We all expect people who are impoverished to be what we think, the quintessential uneducated living in trailer parks kind of people.
I can confirm, that this is not always the case. We have a roof over our heads, so that much I am grateful for, but what else do we have? Each other? That doesn't always cut it. At least for me.
I'm not living in a Hollywood movie, and the sappy story of love will not pay our bills, will it?
When I see people driving their expensive cars and carrying their expensive purses, I'm resentful and I'm jealous. Jealous that they can easily write a check for anything they choose or please without even once cringing at the thought of that check clearing before you're able to put money in your bank account. Even though it's what we've done for many years, it gets tiresome and it gets depressing. What to do? We're trying to look for another job, but to no avail. It's a tough unemployed desperate world out there and competing with others with even more experience and more education than us is beyond heartbreaking.
Can you ever get used to a living like this? Even now, after all this time, the answer is no.
Because welcome to our world!
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