Thursday, September 21, 2017

The Diagnosis

I'm scared, I'm very scared. I know I haven't kept up with my blog in over 3 years, but a lot has happened. Life has kept me busy—good and bad. For the most part, I forgot about this blog and just walked away from it. Maybe it was a trend, but as I sit down and write, I know the words will flow from my fingers as I continue to think.

Think long and hard about how my life has been turned upside down in the past two years.

In April 2015, we were told that my husband was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's Disease. He was only 52 years old. He had an MRI which turned out normal, but the neuropsychologist tests that were given to him is what showed otherwise. For now, he's walking just fine, you can speak to him with an intelligent conversation, and he's heavy into his workouts. But there are little things here and there that are noticeable. 

Such as, occasional words that are mixed up or hard for him to think of. He can't tell you the date or sometimes the day of the week. He doesn't even know the year we're in. Otherwise, he seems very happy. As if nothing was happening.

In the few years leading up to his diagnosis, we noticed changes in his behavior. I couldn't understand why after walking in the door everyday, my husband would just be sitting on the sofa, just staring into space—no TV or anything. He was just sitting there as if he was in a daze. At first, I thought it was laziness; no motivation whatsoever or even depression. In retrospect, I wish that's all it was, because we could have taken care of it; we could have dealt with it. Only to be treated with one simple pill (and perhaps therapy) and he'd be OK and on his way to recovery. But unfortunately, with recent tests, that's not the case. 

We were having our problems for 2 years prior to his diagnosis, to the point that I even contemplated divorce—even adultery. I felt our marriage was that far gone. We fought everyday, mostly because of my frustration with his "lack of motivation" about finding a new job. I couldn't understand why he wasn't going online everyday to look. I was looking for him. I was the one who sat down at the computer everyday to inquire and apply for jobs—for him.

I never in my wildest dreams thought it'd be as serious as early onset Alzheimer's Disease. He was only 52 years old. How could this be happening? It's so rare in the U.S., and it's only 5% of people suffering from Alzheimer's Disease that are early onset. It's something I never considered at such a young age.

I just thought—and hoped—he was depressed.

We were living in an apartment that depressed all of us. We were all anxious to get out, so after almost 2 years, we found another place to live. A single family home. No walking upstairs, listening to their music, or hearing their conversations. Just a freestanding house that was ours. All ours.

As soon as we moved, I noticed a huge difference in his attitude. He seemed so much happier—and still is. But the signs were still there. He still couldn't tell me the date, or the year. He didn't even know who the president of the United States was. And for someone who enjoyed watching the news every night, I knew this wasn't the norm. Even now, after over 2 years since his diagnosis, he still stumbles on his speech and with his sentences. It's difficult understanding what he's trying to say, but we make it through. He still works, but only a few hours a day. Luckily, his employer knows his situation and they work through it with him. His duties are minimal, and since his responsibilities are low, it's good for him to be there and get out of the house and interact with other people. 

I know that one day, I will be faced with the most difficult decision of my life. That time where he will have to go to a facility to live out his remaining days. Being away from him, will be painful and it'll be an adjustment in our lives. Can you ever be prepared for something like that? I don't know. I just want him to be at home with us for as long as possible. 

For now, that is my goal.





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