Guilt

Guilt. I feel it everyday, but why? Every single day, I look in the mirror and a wave of guilt passes through me as if my life has gone by with every single regret. I wish I knew why, but for the most part, I know how it has affected me to this point of hate and regret. But I still can't explain it.

I feel guilty about how I've acted in front of both my husband and my daughter. Especially my daughter. She is only 12 years old (almost 13) and has seen her mother through a great deal. She is too young to witness such horror from her mother. She is at the age where spending time with her mother is precious, and most importantly, filled with happiness and cherish. Instead, she has witnessed the opposite—screaming and sadness, hitting myself and depression. My obsession beyond anyone could even fathom. Why must I experience this on a regular—sometimes daily— basis. It's not fair to her, nor is it fair to my husband—who has been my rock throughout all of this; every step of the way.

I often sometimes wonder if one day, she will hold this against me, or perhaps understand. She has talked me down during these periods, but for the most part, it saddens her and scares her that her mother will hurt herself; or worse, kill herself. How can this not affect me emotionally? How can it it not make me try my very hardest to not allow her to see this from her mother? Someone who is supposed to be her guidance, not her weakness.

I've tried so many times to snap myself out of this emotion and out of this act of such horror, but I can't. Once I'm in this state, there is nothing I can do; other than taking my anti-anxiety pill, I still need that push that'll snap me out of this act. But unfortunately, when I'm suffering through such obsession and depression, I can't think rationally therefore, I do not immediately take my pill without force from my husband. Not myself.

It's why I feel such guilt. 

For those of you reading this, and those of you who are also suffering from bipolar disorder, I hope you can empathize my plight, or perhaps force judgment on me as if it has never happened to you before. For those of you without children, you're lucky enough to not feel that guilt of screaming such emotion in front of a minor, and witnessing a wave of panic . I never thought in a million years that this would happen to me, that I would continue to be in a state of depression and sadness. Constant feelings of suicide and harm.

I don't know what to do, because it's clear my medication has stopped working. Why? I wish I knew. My recent appointment last week with my 'drug dealer' has gone nowhere. He's thinking of taking me off my mood stabilizer and starting me on a new medication that will control my obsession. Will it control my screams and outbreaks as well? I worry that by switching the two that I will dive into my depression full force like it was before.

Is this a dangerous risk? He claims no, but only time will tell. I am now in the process of documenting my moods and my elevations of mania in hopes of determing the outcome of these changes.

I'm nervous and I'm scared. Although the seriousness of my OCD have escalated in recent months, my depression and the hitting still haven't been at the magnitude that it was prior. But also haven't diminished either.

However, I'm desperate. I will try anything at this point. I know that I need a change; a change from this guilt and a change from my outbursts.

As I sit here drinking my daily cappuccino, something must change. If not for my sake, but for my daughter's.

Bipolar Gal on Twitter