I have an obsession problem. As my 'drug dealer' (psychiatric nurse) calls it—I am OCD. I never associated OCD with the sort of obsession that I clearly possess, but more of a person who is fastidious and "anal" about keeping things tidy in a certain way within their home. Someone like me, of course, but worse. I've always been the type of person who has obsessed about certain facets in my life, but lately with most situations. And now, even intertwining the two into a toxic combination of regular outbursts.
Everyday I often ask myself, why can't I just be normal and go about my normal routine and daily life? Why? Although I ask this question regularly, I simply cannot answer it without justification to why. It's not just one or two specific parts of my life that I obsess about, but many, if not all. It just depends on what's going on in my life that I seem to obsess over and over all day long, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
As anyone could fathom, it affects me all day and all night, to the point where my mind has crawled into a dark empty place filled with racing, negative thoughts. For once, just for once, I'd love to be positive and have an outlook filled with happiness and some sort of encouraging words to keep me going and moving forward with my life.
But I can't, I just can't. Although I am regularly told from loved ones that I need to adhere to this, I am unable to.
I'm ready to tell my 'drug dealer' that it's time I switch to an OCD medication to keep me from these obsessive thoughts everyday. I can't take it anymore. I must move away from these feelings of despair and convince myself that life is worth living instead of getting rid of regular thoughts of suicide; of leaving this earth in hopes of a painless mind.
Obviously, I haven't taken these thoughts serious enough to attempt this horrible final act, but the fact that I think about it daily scares me. It scares my husband and it scares me. Of course, my daughter is unaware of these feelings as it would only devastate her. She has witnessed enough from me at such a young age than to hear her mother discuss feelings of suicide.
There are days, however, where my mood is even—I am stabilized to a normal dimension that I wish would last everyday. But for now, I am grateful that my mood and lack of depressive state are even keel—for now.
My job status with my recent at-home 'gig' has diminished greatly. I now know (as well as suspected) that it has come to an end. Although I haven't been told of this directly, I just know; I know deep down in my heart that it's done; it's over. Therefore, it's time for me to move on with my life and continue with my endless search for another job—a normal job.
As a result of this, my mind wanders aimlessly into another obsessive state therefore causing me to cry uncontrollably every single day. I hate this feeling and I hate the disorderly way of communicating with my husband and my daughter. Even my friends.
But I know I must move forward in order to succeed with my search because as I receive interviews for jobs, I know that a prospective employer will suspect otherwise unless I am able to control it.
Here we go...
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