Why do people choose to blog? Is it because they're hoping to become rich and famous from their exceptional writing skills? Or just like me, do it because it's a release for their thoughts? With the advent of internet in the late 90's and blogging, sometimes I think the answer is split down the middle. At least in my humble opinion.
Why I chose to blog is definitely the former.
I started this blog because it was towards the end of a nightmare in my life. I was severely suffering from bipolar disorder and I was at the worst of my disease. I was down at the bottom of a deep dark abyss that at the time, I felt like I couldn't climb out of. I wanted to release my thoughts and feelings by documenting them in a journal, or better, an online blog. Maybe hoping, just hoping that someone could read it and empathize with my plight. Especially someone else suffering from this disease. I wanted to try and help someone out there who felt their life was at a complete loss.
Like me.
As I struggle with my new medication, I realize that it has been working miraculously. At the period of time, that dark time in my life, I never thought I'd get better. The pain I was in seemed endless. I couldn't comprehend how much it would work and release me from this throbbing sadness I was experiencing on a daily basis. I honestly never thought it would end. I wanted my world to end.
I wanted to disappear forever.
At first, my meds started out to be a guinea pig of sorts. I literally felt like a pin cushion waiting to be poked with medication after medication to ensure it would work. It was a series of an increased and decreased dosage as well as switching all together. Although there are days where I'm still sad, and perhaps a little depressed, they've been working and making me feel good regardless. I feel empowered.
The only negative effect to the new medication—if it's an adverse effect at all, considering it's actually working—is the constant feeling as though I have the "shakes" every morning. I honestly can't explain it, but it's more inside of me than physically. I feel as though my thoughts are continually racing and I can't control them. How can something like this be a side effect. If in fact, that's what it is. Is it me? Am I making this happen, or is this feeling authentic?
I look forward to my upcoming appointment next week with my psychiatric nurse, because last time we discussed this (a month ago) I brought it up only to be told it takes time to adjust to this medication. Is this true? Or am I just being a hypochondriac here? I can't seem to figure it out. I only hope he'll give me the answer(s) that I'm looking for.
Am I being neurotic or is it legitimate?
I was hoping that my lack of obsession and anticipation would go away. Is that purely chemical or self-involved? I may never know the proper answer to that question, but I do know this, I was told that it can be controlled with the right medication. My constant "obsession" would go away. But how can it? How can something like that be controlled? Is it time that I end it and just move forward with my life; my family and my search for a new job? Or torture myself with this ceaseless aching every single day?
At this point, I am hoping I can easily treat certain "obsessions" with a slacken attitude. I hate how I'm feeling and I hate how I'm continually "obsessed." Those of you who have read my prior posts, most likely know what I'm referring to. If not, just understand this has been ongoing for over a year.
I can't take it anymore. My mind and my soul are being taken for granted, and if I respect myself at all, I will prowl quietly in the opposite direction as I attempt to take charge of my life.
Maybe that's a hint for me to just do it, march forward and never look back—indefinitely, for crying out loud. I can't take it any longer. I thought it was over; I thought these feelings of endless determination would be forever terminated.
But they're not. They have only subsided minimally, not completely. It has to be me, not side effects from my bipolar disorder.
As I continue the attempt to move forward with my life and this disease, I will hope and pray that it will eventually be 100% under control. All of it! Is that an unrealistic goal? Only time will tell.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed here.
Bipolar Gal on Twitter
No comments:
Post a Comment